Alfai River - East Run

Visited 08/07/11

 This portion of the Alafai River is located in Bloomingdale, FL.    After having done the West portion of the river with some of my friends a couple months ago, and having a blast, my buddy Howie and I decided to go out and try the East section to kill a Sunday.   This was an 8.2 mile run.  

Click here for a detailed Google map

As with last time, you'll begin your journey at Alafai River Canoe Rentals.   I love the group of folks that work here.   They're very easy-breezy.   They've been doing this for a long time, and it shows.  It doesn't get more laid-back than this.  

Rather than paddling down river and calling them for a pickup, though, you'll leave your car at their establishment and get a ride up river for you and your boats to a place called Alderman's Ford Park.    You'll end your trip back where you started.   If you have multiple vehicles, you can leave your boats and a car at the park and send a lone driver back to the Canoe Rentals place and they can get a ride back at a discounted rate.   I'm not sure what the fee is, but it's less than the $7.50 for you and your boat to get taxied. 

I would like to apologize in advance for saturating this blog with pictures of what appear to be a disfigured ape-man.    That's just my friend Howie.    He was the only one with me this day, and I'm not a big fan of the Myspace self-portrait shots, so my options were very limited.    If you're prone to vomiting or diarrhea, or have a history of mental illness or heart conditions, please consult a physician before subjecting yourself to prolonged exposure of these ape-man images.   I'm kidding, of course.    What Howie lacks in good looks, he more than makes up for with an infant's mentality and a revolting personality.     Please visit his blog here.   I assure you, there are no photos of him on that site.

Alderman's Ford Launch

Howie, seen here contemplating taking a bite out of the boat.   "Bad ape-man!  That's not a banana!"

At the end of the launch point, there's this conveyor contraption which, I assume, is for people afraid of falling while trying to step in their boats from the dock.     Due to Howie's history with 'yak flippage (more on that later), he decided to take a ride on what I have just dubbed "The Pussy Express".    Wait, I take that back.     That could be taken multiple ways, some of them positive.    How about we call it "The Lard Launcher"?    Better?  Okay.   



The Lard Launcher, launching lard



We hit the water sometime around noon.   The weather was beautiful, the shade was plenty, the water was clear and the nature was super naturey.   The only thing breaking the silence of the peaceful river were the sound of farts coming from the orange boat.    Farts exploding at an incredible volume, due to the acoustics of the empty kayak.   I guess you can take the ape-man out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the ape-man.

"pffffffft"



That's the face of someone that just poop farted



"oo ooo, ee ee, ahh ahhh!!"

It is very rare to catch such a clear photo of an ape-man squat-shitting his pants

Nature!



(Insert caption here.   Make it funny and naturetastic)



About halfway down the river, Howie screeched and threw a fistful of feces in my direction, signaling that he saw something up ahead.     A small creek to the left, flowing off of the Alafai had attracted his attention, and he decided to dock his boat.    Perhaps he had picked up on the scent of other male ape-men to mate with, or perhaps he had to squat-shit his pants again.     I docked with him and quickly realized what he was after. 

This wide posture tells the other ape-men that he is open for some lovin'... and that he's a "top"

Howie quickly took off down the creek, jumping over obstacles as nimbly as a drunken paraplegic. 

 

Even two logs couldn't stop him from getting to his goal.   Impressive!

Yep.   It's a bridge.

Yep, it's a trail, leading off from the bridge (You can actually feel me getting lazier and lazier writing these captions, can't you?)

I'm not sure what I was expecting, when we rounded the corner into an open camping area, but it certainly wasn't this.    Everywhere I looked, there were ape men, the exact species and breed that Howie had spawned from.    They all stood completely still, in different muscle-flexing poses, meant to attract other male ape-men to their butts.    I gave Howie the universal "index finger through the circle thumb & finger", pointed him towards the action, and made my way back to the boats by myself.

The mating call of the ape-man

In all seriousness, this is a cool little campsite, though.   The steps pictured above lead to a trail, which leads across that bridge and to the campsite.    The campsite itself is right on the river, however, is inaccessible directly from the water, due to plant growth.    I'm not sure if this is private property or not, so take caution if you should decide to sleep here.   You may also want to bring a table.   There is only a single bench in the entire clearing. 

Howie showed back up at the boats about 45 minutes after I left him.    He was exhausted and covered head-to-toe in a milky white substance that smelled like sulfur vomit.   I didn't ask any questions.    We made our way back down the river until we came across another launch point.   Unfortunately, I forgot to GPS this point, so I've got nothin' for ya'.



Launchalicious!



There were signs, alluding to the fact that this was some sort of boy-scout obstacle course.   I don't recall exactly what they said, but the wire was meant to be crossed on the course. 

I thought primates were supposed to be good climbers??

A brief stop at this launch point and we headed back on down the river.     Everything was moving along smoothly.   The birds were chirping.   The acoustic boat farts were playing their tune.   Just a relaxing day on the river.    Then, out of nowhere I heard the unmistakable sound of a fat man falling in a river.    I turned around to find that my intuition was spot-on.     Sure enough, there was a fat man in the river.    Apparently, a small branch had thrust itself in front of Howie's 'yak, causing him spill over, into the water.   That was his story, anyway.   If you ask me, I believe he thought the river was made of chocolate, and threw himself into it, hoping to bathe in the sugary goodness. 

"mmmmm.... chocolate"

20 minutes of bailing his boat, and we were back on the water again.

Look, he thinks he's people

A nice little break area for lunch

After cooking up the king of all river foods, the cheesy brat, we went for a little swim in the water.    By "we", I mean Howie.   And by "swim", I mean he fell out of his boat... again.   I tried, again, to tell him that the river was not, in fact, made of delicious chocolate, but he was having none of it.   Even after consuming many gallons of river water, he continued to insist that it rivaled the quality of Hershey's. 

"Yum"

Bailing your boat is funnier when strangers get to see you doing it.

Surprisingly, we ran into several points where the rapids were a decent strength.    Living in flat Florida, you don't get many opportunities to do any rapids at all, but the recent rains we've been having made the flow and level of the river just right for some good-sized rapids.   I mean, these weren't anything that would make you fall out of your boat, but we each got a couple gallons of water in our 'yaks from the over spray.  Hopefully it's like this next time I go.   It was a blast. 

"I'm stuck!   Quick!  Jump in the chocolate!   Pffft"

Om nom nom nom

This is the first real river trip my buddy Howie has gone on with me, since I bought these kayaks, and I believe he's been converted.    Although he spent more time in the chocolate water than in his boat, he had a good time.     If he can go out and get a boat of his own, maybe he can start coming on some of these trips with me and our other friends.    I'd be happy to bring ape-man along on future trips, although I certainly won't be trusting him to hold any of the important gear. 



PHONE NUMBER:  (813) 689-8645

ADDRESS:  4419 River Drive, Valrico, FL 33596

PRICE: $7.50 per boat

DIFFICULTY: 5/10

PRIVACY: 9/10

FISHING: we didn't do any

STAFF: 10/10